Mark Rubinstein: When Time Telescopes

Some weeks ago, I had two exhilarating experiences.

I decided to reconnect with old friends. These weren't guys I knew from let's say, 10 or 15 years ago. The friendships went very far back. In one instance, it involved two friends from my teen years: I hadn't seen Hal for 20 years and last saw Don 10 years ago.

My other friend, Stan, was a college roommate with whom I'd lost contact 50 (that's right, 50) years ago.

Dinner with Hal and Don was at a Japanese restaurant in Mount Kisco, New York. Lunch with Stan was a few weeks later at a French restaurant in Manhattan. Each get-together was an incredible, life-affirming experience.

Yes, we spent the first 40 minutes "catching up" with each other's lives. There were marriages, divorces, business successes and some failures, and we talked about the many ups and downs that occur in any life.

But what struck me about these get-togethers -- whether with Don and Hal, or later with Stan -- whether we dined on sushi or filet mignon -- was after a half hour of kicking around the past and filling in the blanks of many years apart, we found ourselves in the moment together, just like when being with each other was an everyday occurrence. Nothing was strained or forced. We slipped into the comfortable ease of just enjoying our time together.

It seemed the intervening decades hadn't interrupted a thing. We joked and laughed with the same easy gusto as years ago, as though we hadn't missed a beat. There was a vivid and remarkably invigorating nowness in the experiences.

Time seemed to have telescoped for all of us.

Now, we were just old friends (in both meanings of the word) sharing each other's company. Being together was as satisfying as the food served in each restaurant.

I had initiated these reunions when we were all around 70 years of age. Why hadn't I done this sooner? Why had I waited all those years to reconnect, especially since I thought about these friends often? Was I afraid to discover we'd traveled such different paths, the bonds which drew us together when we were young, would no longer hold?

For us, in the hourglass of life, there's more sand at the bottom than is left trickling from the top. No matter how busy we are with our lives, regardless of how strong and vital we feel, time is not an infinite horizon, the way it felt when we were young. I had to take the chance to see if these people, who were so important to me years ago, could still connect with me (and I with them) in an enduring way. Would there remain the essential elements of friendship which drew us together years ago?

Finding out was the risk I had to take.

In life, you can't go back and recapture the past. These reunions could have been a disappointment, if all we shared were fond memories.

Fortunately, these friends from long ago remained the same solid people whose friendship I treasured then, and with whom I'm enjoying the here-and-now. So yes, for us, it seemed time had telescoped in a wonderful way.

If you're lucky, a good friend is a true friend, always.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

• Geography Counts, So Stay Local

  What you want is someone to hang with near where you live. Approach this scientifically. Having a friend who lives an hour's drive away will mean you won't see them as much as the person who lives closer. So think global, but stay local. That means your local coffee shop, the local branch of the public library, they local chapter of the Sierra Club, or the local college that offers evening courses.

• Follow Your Interests

  If you play tennis, join a club or take a few lessons at the community center. If you like to throw parties, volunteer to run the annual fund-raiser at your synagogue or church; when the board thanks you publicly at the dinner, everyone will learn your name. If you hike, join the Sierra Club. If you bicycle, join a biking group or enter a race in your age category. Here's the one caveat about following your interests: Nobody ever met anyone while watching "American Idol" from the couch.

• Friends Come In Various Packages

  Be open to the idea that it's OK to have friends who are older or younger. The fact that they are in different stages in life just means they bring a different perspective to the table. While a 14-year-old won't be interested in socializing with a toddler, that 10-year age gap dissipates when they get older. Why not say yes to the 30-somethings who invite you to join them for drinks after work? Invite them over for dinner with their families and get to know their kids. Their views on the world may not match yours precisely, but variety is the spice of life.

• Travel With Strangers

  If you are post 50 and uncoupled, you might find that traveling isn't as much fun. Call it the Noah's Ark theory, but in general, we like to go places paired up. There are services that will help you find a travel room-mate. Not only does this give you someone to talk to over dinner, it cuts down those single supplements that some tours and cruises charge. <a href="http://www.friendlyplanet.com/faqs/find-roommate.html" target="_hplink">Friendly Planet</a> runs one such pairing-up service. <a href="http://www.roadscholar.org/" target="_hplink">Road Scholar</a> offers many active adult adventure vacations here -- offers to find you a roommate if you want. Their programs and generally educationally based and draw a well-heeled and educated crowd. Cruise ships do a pretty good job of making sure solo travelers find people to hang out with; group dining arrangements go a long way toward conversational icebreaking.

• Become A Joiner

  Even if you've never been a joiner, now may be the time to get yourself out there. Got a new puppy or an old dog who needs some new tricks? Find a community dog-training class. If you like to cook, take a cooking class. Participate in the 5K run for charity, even if you walk the final three.

• Be Pushy

  Keep your smart phone with you and ask for numbers. Sure it may feel a little awkward to say to someone you just met "Hey, I really enjoyed talking to you on this Sierra Club hike but the next one isn't for two months. Would you like to get together for a hike before that?" Worst they can say is no.

• Keep Up With Old Friends

  With Skype and apps like FaceTime, it's easier than ever to have face-to-face visits. Don't assume your old friends are too busy to talk to you on the phone. Most cellphone plans include free long-distance calls and for those that don't, there's Skype. Invite friends who live a great distance to come and stay with you. Show them your city. Friendships are like gardens; it's often easier to tend to an existing one than grow a new one from seeds.

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Follow Mark Rubinstein on Twitter: www.twitter.com/mrubinsteinCT

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Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-rubinstein/friendship-when-time-telescopes_b_3014706.html

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